If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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