I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
