just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
