I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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