Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
