I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
