When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
