census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
