Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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