Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
