hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
