if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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