did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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