Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize