Swine flu. Run for my life!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
