I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Text me some of your sweat
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
