you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
