My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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