I can text with my tongue
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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