its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
be right there i have to get my cape
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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