I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
