Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
