Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
