the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
