My underwear smells like fireworks.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
