Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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