I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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