Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
