I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
