So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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