Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
