Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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