Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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