If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
