It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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