From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
