my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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