I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
