Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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