I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
