I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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