Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
