It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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