i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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