I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
