I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
