Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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