She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
