I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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