you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We had to coat check the pizza.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
