if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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